Some 'sweeping' statements

I was going to do a two-part entry on what was going on in my life these days, but then I realized two things:

1) My life is boring. Two big long essays about my life are enough to put anyone to sleep. Including myself.
2) The Red Sox just swept the Orioles, improving to 5-1 and taking an early commanding lead in the AL East. This requires my immediate attention. So without further ado, here are my impressions of the Sox' opening week.

-Coco Crisp isn't really what I expected. I was hoping to see a prototypical Red Sox leadoff man, a guy walks his ass off and slugs a homer every now and then, rather than the typical leadoff guy who hits singles and steals bases. Coco has yet to go deep in a Red Sox uniform, and his total of just two walks is pretty lousy for a player on the Red Sox, who value on-base guys above all else. But he went 8 for 24, so I can't be too disappointed.

-In fact, I hate to admit it but I'm kinda excited about him being hurt. (It's just a day-to-day finger injury, so I don't feel too bad about that.) I really like Adam Stern, especially after his WBC performance, and I'm happy for him now that he'll get some consistent playing time in Coco's absence. We'll see... it may even be his big break.

-I really, really, really, REALLY miss Doug Mirabelli. For most teams, backup catchers aren't that important, since even catchers only need a day off every week or two, but for the Sox, Tim Wakefield needs a catcher who can handle a knuckleball. And I can't stand Josh Bard. It's not just that he's 1 for 7 so far -- it's also that he's a career .237 hitter who can't walk and has minimal power and no speed. Offensively, he's just plain horrendous. And it's not as though we really have any long-term plan to cure this problem -- we traded Kelly Shoppach for Bard, and it's gonna be tough to teach Varitek to catch a knuckler at this point.

Knuckleballers age extremely well (Charlie Hough retired at 46, and Phil Niekro was 48, for two examples), and Wake's only (yes, that's right, I said only) 39. I'm starting to worry that if Bard continues to stink up the catcher's box at Fenway and Stern continues to be a solid performer in Coco's absence, then we'll begin to realize just how bad the Andy Marte trade was. It doesn't help that Throw-In #2, also known as David Riske, got roughed up in the only appearance he's made so far, against the Rangers. Oh, and by the way, Guillermo Mota hasn't allowed a run in four and a third innings of work so far. Ugh.

-I am absolutely overjoyed with the contract extension that David Ortiz just signed. $52 million over four years? Are you kidding me? Barry Bonds gets $23M a year, Derek Jeter gets 23, and even Carlos Delgado gets 18. The Red Sox just secured one of the best hitters in the game for a measly 13 million a year. Incredible.

-If I hear Dan Shaughnessy make one more Jonathan Papelbon and Keith Foulke/Tom Brady and Drew Bledsoe comparison, I think I'm probably going to go insane. Tom Brady is a quarterback who carried the Patriots to all of their three Super Bowl titles; Jonathan Papelbon, as much as I love him, is a relief pitcher who pitches one inning a game.

Really, I absolutely adore Papelbon. But the fact of the matter is, he, Foulke and Mike Timlin are all going to get tons of innings, and whether they do it in the seventh, eighth or ninth isn't that big a deal. For the record, Papelbon is the better pitcher (Francona said it himself -- he's pitching better than anyone in baseball right now), but I'm not sure it matters too much when they're all getting their innings in. The whole "closer controversy" is an interesting story, I guess, but it's getting blown way out of proportion.

-Honestly, are the Sox ever going to lose again? The week starts off with the vastly-overrated Blue Jays, who have put A.J. Burnett on the disabled list, and just gave Roy Halladay the ball for Sunday's loss to the Devil Rays. That means that Beckett, Clement, and Schilling match up with Gustavo Chacin, Ted Lilly and Josh Towers. Give me a break. It's especially nice to look forward to these games now that all three of our starters have wins under their belts, since there were doubts surrounding all three before the season started.

After the Jays, we get Seattle, followed by Tampa Bay. It may be 10 games in 10 days, but it's 10 ridiculously easy games. I'm looking forward to them.

EDIT:
P.S. This is the most amazing photograph ever taken.